 Robert J Morton |
| Male-Female Friendship | |
Societal undertones impose a tangible awkwardness upon the | |
| Email: robmorton@clara.net |
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Men and women are equal sentient beings, all of whom are equally precious. Each of us - male or female - has the same 100 billion neurone brain, which is host to his or her unique consciousness. It is - to my mind - the myriad unique friendships that can form between these unique human consciousnesses that are the ultimate elements of all creation. They are what life, the universe and everything is all about.
I am convinced that, despite the large culturally induced dichotomy which currently exists between the genders, men and women share identical feelings, fears, hopes and aspirations. They simply view the world from slightly different gender-specific perspectives, which naturally - in the absence of modern social and commercial pressures - would be complementary rather than divisive.
The first vital requisite for friendship is equality. There can be no master-slave element in true friendship. Male-female friendship is only possible when man and woman regard each other as completely equal. Each must be able to rejoice in the other's strengths and support the other's weaknesses with uncritical love - particularly when these strengths and weaknesses are the opposite way round to their society's gender stereotypes.
However, being equal as peers does not mean they are - or have to be - equivalent. Nature itself makes certain roles in life gender-specific. This is lovely. The only thing wrong is the way certain societies or cultures overwhelmingly skew the true values of these roles by imposing upon us political, religious, social and economic structures that under-value, over-accentuate or otherwise conflict with natural gender role-biases.
I think the most firm, stable and rewarding same-gender friendships form between people who have similar values and personalities. On the other hand, I think the most firm, stable, rewarding - and potentially far more profound - inter-gender friendships form between men and women who have similar values but complementary (rather than similar or opposite) personalities.
I think each of us has a need and a potential for many friendships - both same-gender and inter-gender. One can confide things in someone of the same gender one cannot confide in someone of the other gender. But conversely, one can confide other things in someone of the other gender - perhaps deeper and more personal things - that one could not confide in someone of the same gender.
Both the anatomy and psychology of human beings make it possible for inter-gender friendships to develop to a far greater depth and intensity than same-gender ones. But that does not mean that inter-gender friendships have to include physical sex. True friends will never push each other in either direction in this regard, as signified by the beautiful male-to-female kiss of friendship.
The Kiss of Friendship
There is a protocol or convention for when a pair of mixed-gender friends meet or part in company or in public. It is the kiss of friendship. The female comes close to allow her male friend to hold her while he kisses her gently on the forehead. The forehead is the seat of the intellect and abode of the emotions, so a gentle kiss thereon is symbolic of their joint recognition that true friendship is firstly of the mind, wherein it will always kindle or refresh the eternal flame of friendship rather than the fleeting fire of infatuation so easily ignited by the touch of lips.
It can therefore serve always, whatever the inner heights, depths, ebbs and flows of a friendship. It is also very hard for onlookers to interpret, which makes it fairly gossip-proof. Yet it does have a sexual dimension. After all, it is not something same-gender friends would find comfortable to do. However, that sexual dimension is a beautiful open, honest inter-gender peer-to-peer love, which is essentially non-erotic.
It is so much better than the social cheek-kiss with its awful after-taste of foundation. I think the kiss on the cheek is for aunts, in-laws and other guys' wives (sometimes). Society has totally de-valued the kiss on the cheek to the extent that it is usually given as a reluctant expectation, and amounts to no more than kissing the air. I hope against hope that the forehead kiss of friendships will always be reserved for those special friends and will never become socially de-valued in this way.
All male-female friendships involve sex in the broadest sense. The whole essence and dynamic of the friendship is significantly determined by the inherent differences in emotional and intellectual perspective between the two genders. But this does not mean that every - or even any - male-female friendship has to include physical intimacy. As I said, true friends will never push each other in either direction in this regard.
On the other hand, some degree of physical intimacy can provide many male-female friendships with that extra wide-band channel of emotional communication through which they can greatly enhance the quality and intensity of their friendship. The form this intimacy takes can be anything from an occasional hug to regular intercourse, depending on the inter-personal affinity and the shared values of those involved.
Taken to its ultimate conclusion, inter-gender friendship transmutes into the permanent co-habitation and economic inter-dependency of marriage. Whether or not marriage should result in each partner then withdrawing from his or her other MF friendships is a matter of the views and values to which a particular couple subscribes. In current Western culture one is officially expected to withdraw. But I think this is a sad loss. Were such withdrawn friendships allowed to continue and grow, I think society as a whole would be so much stronger and less open to religious enslavement, political oppression and economic exploitation. An invincible polyamorous network of male-female friendships would thus link all humanity together with bonds of intimate love.
It was with this vision in mind that I wrote The Connective Force - a 9,500 word highly illustrated essay about a possible future society in which such friendships are freely allowed to flourish.